I Stand Corrected: I am an Overachiever, Underachiever!

My last newsletter was titled I Am the Worst in Class: If you did not read it, check it out.

After I sent the newsletter, I received this email from my older daughter: How much fun it that?

Subject line: Ellen’s philosophy on being a beginner  07c066f2-5eb0-4f7c-b085-95d6486b772b

If I am going to be a beginner, I am going to be the best damn beginner in the whole class. And I will write a newsletter about how excellent (expert, even) I am at being a beginner! I think you’re great!

After I stopped laughing, my first reaction was one of elation- my daughter was reading my newsletters! Then I started thinking about her response. She had me pegged. I am still an overachiever even when I am the worst! I have to face the fact- I am not cured from perfectionism.

I enjoy reading Brene Brown’s work. The focus of her book Daring Greatly is on vulnerability. Early in the book she talks about our fear of being ordinary. She says: “I know that yearning to believe that what I’m doing matters and how easy it is to confuse that with the drive to be extraordinary. I know how seductive it is to use the celebrity culture yardstick to measure the smallness of our lives.”

We can easily be seduced into measuring ourselves to others and feeling less than.

It is difficult to just be ordinary, part of the pack. I admit, using my jewelry class as an example is a stretch, but it reminds me of how many of us get caught in the spiral of wanting to be the best or extraordinary at something, and chase after the notion of what or where we should be. Even if we are really good at what we do, it is easy to find someone who is more successful and it robs us of feeling at ease with ourselves. I venture to say everyone deals with this. I have dipped into that space over the years and it is no fun.

As for my jewelry class, I guess I knew I could not be the best, so I am mastering being the worst. Last week I broke 4 blades trying to saw my necklace shape. I guess having my beginning necklace be a circular shape was a bit overachieving after all! I do see other beginners in the class making mistakes. Now I can go and just be oaky- not the best, not the worst (still up for debate!) Just part of the pack.

We all have areas where we excel and areas where we are not strong. When we accept that we are an ordinary part of the pack, we are able to relate more to others- a part of, rather than apart from. I will always strive to improve, and for now I want to improve just being Ellen- cute, messy, and fun!

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I Am the Worst in Class: How much fun is that?

I had to write about my latest experience – maybe you can relate.   

My work with those dealing with high stress or chronic conditions include many techniques and perspectives.  With all that I teach, there is one more ingredient that is vital to success:  Finding balance by getting back to doing the things that we used to enjoy.  Even if you are unable to do exactly what you used to enjoy, then dive in and try something new.

I took my own advice (yes, I was out of balance) and signed up for a jewelry class.  I had always wanted to try this and finally gave myself permission to commit my precious time to a weekly class.  I signed up for a beginners class (an improvement for this overachiever!)  I am learning how to light a torch, how to solder, make a bezel, sand down metal, cut out designs and more. In the class, there are many who have previously taken this class.

I had to purchase materials and am happy to report that I did not invest in sterling silver (tempting as that was) for my first project, just to take the pressure off.

Our first project was a simple ring, which went well except I jump every time I light the torch, and got tiny cuts from snipping the solder. My first ring turned out well, with a decent soldering job and a bit of hammered texture.  Feel like a kid in art class!   I just finished my third class and must admit I still jump when turning on the torch, but no longer cut myself.  Ahhh, making definite progress.

I bring this up because I remember the last class I signed up for a few years back.  It was a mosaic class with students at mixed levels of experience.  Rather than picking a simple coaster for my first project, I decided that I could handle a Lazy Susan.  That was  not challenging enough – I made spiral designs.  No wonder why I quit!  My overachiever was alive and well, derailing me from enjoying myself.

I remember a conversation with my older daughter.  I was telling her that I wanted to learn to knit scarves and I was going to take a class.  She laughed at me and said; “Mom, you will either quit in a week or open a knitting store!”  She was correct – I quit after one lesson.

I have learned a lot since then.  I am now happy to be the slowest, least knowledgeable in the class.  I am really having fun just being inexperienced me.  After all, aren’t we supposed to have some fun without it being a contest of comparing, competing, and over achieving?

When I allow myself to simply be a beginner, I am able to stay present with what I am doing while enjoying the process.

I also love a challenge and always will, but allowing myself to balance work with play gives me more stamina and willingness to step up to the hard stuff.

Begin to notice when you are comparing yourself with another.  Also, notice when you are comparing yourself to your own high standards. What might happen if you allow yourself to just be where you are?  I would venture to say that your experience will be much richer, less stressful, and enjoyable.

Try it and see for yourself.  Feel free to let me know how it goes.

Posted in: A Calm Perspective

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Nothing Exciting to Share – Now That’s Exciting!

I have been picking my brain to send you something funny and exciting to start the New Year. Then I dawned on me, there really wasn’t anything profound to tell you.
I did take a family vacation in early December to the west coast.socks 2

It is a rare occasion that my children and their significant others can get together. Nothing earth shattering occurred. We hiked, ate, swam, and basically chilled out. A wonderful time was had by all.

After returning home, the holidays came and went and though much of it, I had a bad cold. My work was at a standstill was the Cancer Support Community closes the last two weeks of December and clients are busy.

I dealt with insurance companies for hours on end (no excitement does not equal frustration!) Went to a few doctors, I watched mindless TV (love the Price is Right), slept late, waked the dog, meditated, read, saw my daughter, and hung out with Robert (in our new fireside socks) and the dog.

As I write about this, it makes me re-examine excitement. I relaxed and slowed down. For a person who loves to feel productive, and be socia
l, it took a lot of unwinding.

I would venture to say many of us thrive on “doing” for many underlying reasons, probably the greatest being society’s value on success and productivity.

Now that it is mid- January, I am finally writing a newsletter. I am sleeping a little later and taking more me time, letting go of trying to make something happen. Every so often my mind kicks in and tells me I am a lazy bones. It is good I know when my mind is messing with me. When that happens I acknowledge the feeling and do a few moments of breathing or meditation to reset my thoughts.

So there you have it. Looking at what I wrote, I would say it is totally awesome just to be me not doing much. The best part is giving myself permission that it is okay.

Not so easy, but quite exciting!

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Meditation in a Car Wash? That sounds crazy!

738b490e-a5d8-4518-b5aa-dfbcd01bce31My daughter and I took my car through the car wash.  She has the ability to make the most mundane activity into a playful, exciting experience.  When my girls were young one of the greatest gifts I received as a mom was permission to be totally childlike.  Somewhere along the way, I lost some of that playfulness, until recent years.  I let go giving a S@!% what others think about me and have not only regained this playfulness, but took it to a whole new level.  One of the benefits of wisdom… or is it age?

This is what happened in the carwash:  I watched the water, noticed the sounds from the water, the scrubbers, and blowers. Some were loud and some pulsing, others soft like a light rain.  I looked at the soapy bubbles the colors, and textures.  I laughed with my daughter at the wonder of it all.

I would have missed all of that if I was on my cellphone, thinking about what I had to do after the car wash, or trying to just “get my errand over with.”  This mundane experience reminds me that everything we do is part of our day.  How we interact with what we do is what uplifts us and determines how our day goes.   

This is the essence of mindfulness meditation.  Being where your feet are planted.  Noticing, being aware of it all without judgment.

You might be thinking; “But Ellen, this is multi-tasking. I will get dizzy.” Ah, that is where we get caught up. You do not need to get distracted by one or the other because it is all part of the present experience. It is not one or the other, but allowing it all to be in any given moment.

See if you can notice:

•    What do I see?
•    What do I hear?
•    What do I smell?
•    What do I feel?

This is simply awareness of what is going on in any given moment.  Your mind will take you away from this into the future or past.  All you need to do is notice you are thinking and come back to the moment by engaging your senses.

Start with a daily task.  A bath, a shower, the market, dry cleaner, or of course the awesome car wash.

Let me know how it went and don’t forget to have some fun with this.  The practice of meditation does not have to be all “serious” and “zen.”

Why not approach this as a child would–full of wonder and play.  If you have trouble, I am happy to teach you how.  After all, I learned from the best–my kids, (and a ton of training)!

Warm regards,

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Breast Painting? That I have to see!

breast strokes imageThis weekend I had the honor of being host and Chair for an event raising awareness and funds for breast cancer research. It is called Breast Strokes, and it the second year we have taken on this project.  It is one of the many powerful programs offered by Hadassah, a women’s empowerment organization.

As many of you know, I am not your traditional stress, pain, and chronic illness solutions teacher. I am a tell-it-like-it-is, upbeat, and yes, a bit strange teacher, and that is exactly why this program was so compelling to me.

We begin with Paint Day, the program I was chairing. Female artists painted 35 models breasts, with a variety of designs, mostly chosen by the models. There were female photographers and volunteers. It was a day of pampering, emotions, community, yummy food, and a bunch of fun.

I was involved last year, but being in charge gave me a gift I had not received in the past. The battle scars that many models both young and old had from surgeries had left them with many inner scars. The healing that took place was astounding, as many walked around baring their painted breasts to others around them.

Knowing that we are a part of, rather than feeling different from, can only be experienced when we are able to be vulnerable and seen.

One model told me she hadn’t looked in the mirror for 5 years and this experience helped her move on. Another now sees more than scars when looking in the mirror- she carries the painted image in her mind.

This day was much more than getting a great image painted. It was not about perfect photography or whose art was better. It was the process of seeing yourself beyond the externals of what your body looks like and sharing it with others. Everyone was more than their scars, experiences, abilities, and limitations.

This is at the heart of yoga philosophy:

If you visualize an iceberg, on the top are all of your identities; who you see yourself to be. You might be a teacher, a daughter, a southerner, and so on… Then one of your identities goes away. In this case it might be that you were young and healthy and now you have breast cancer, leaving your breasts uneven and scarred. You ask–who am I now? You might feel lost.

Since I am in the solutions business, the answer is simple but not easy. Look beyond the top of the iceberg into the water beneath–the iceberg is vast and you miss this when you only focus on the top of the iceberg. You are much more than your identities.

I saw this clearly at Paint Day. The models, artists, photographers, and volunteers had no idea of the impact they had on one another. They were looking beyond the tip of the iceberg. It was community at its best–there for one common purpose. To celebrate who we are.

The day was worth the intense preparation and long exhausting day. The only thing I would change is coming home Sunday to a sick dog keeping me awake all night (thanks Kiddo!)

I look forward to the Big Reveal on February 20th where all the art is shared. Stay tuned!

I leave you with this thought: Remember, everything you have gone through is just part of your story, not who you are. Please, never forget that.

Posted in: A Calm Perspective, Physical Wellness

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I Went Back in Time: And it was great!

group fernwood

I had the pleasure of attending my summer camp reunion. They were celebrating their 95th year. As a child, my sister and I went to Camp Fernwood in Maine for 8 weeks (my parents promise they missed us terribly!) My sister was the perfect camper, playing by the rules. I, however, loved to break the rules and had mixed memories of my camp experience–unsure if I had made a mistake in coming.

I have been to my high school reunion and made sure to look my best. After all, I was not in the cool group and needed to impress. I will be joining my husband at his upcoming 40th law school reunion and was concerned about looking great in front of his old girlfriend, until he informed me she was 72 (about 7 years older than he is). He told me not to worry–people will think I am his trophy wife!

My camp reunion was different. No makeup (well almost), sloppy shirts and t-shirts, no hair styling, and no one cared what you did for a living, how much money you had, whether you were single, divorced, married, kids, grandchildren or anything else.  Fourteen of us wanted to be together in a cabin with no power and one bathroom–somehow it was okay.

There were campers attending from the age of 15 to 85. I was catapulted back to a time where we all wore green and white, shirts (tucked in of course), slept in bunks that had no power, went to flag raising, canoed, swam, sang the same timeless songs, song lead, color war, campfire, and so much more.  Even my first year counselor was there.

It was a time of no hiding behind identities to impress others or create a sense of self.

I relate this to the core of yoga philosophy. Who are you beyond who you see yourself to be?  I had thought of myself as the trouble maker at camp, but the truth is, I was just being me: a bit of mischief, with no harm done.

I struggled at times during the weekend as many who attended had been to many reunions and had children who also attended camp. There were a lot of people, and I like peace and quiet. I began to feel a bit overwhelmed and not a part of it, so I went right to my comfort zone. I taught a group of campers some chair yoga. Ahhh, how we like our comfort zone. The great thing about that was I noticed this and made a decision to include myself rather than isolate. An opportunity and a choice to stay in solution.

All in all, the weekend was wonderful. I realize that my perception of my early experiences was focused on what I did not enjoy. Going back, I received the gift of remembering how much of it I loved.

Begin to notice what you do to get into your comfort zone. Notice if your focus is on the positive or the negative. You might realize that all you need to do is stay open to the possibilities and be just plain old you.

I have caught myself singing camp songs, even today. I will be returning for the 100th–maybe with some new pranks up my sleeve!

Posted in: A Calm Perspective

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Let Go of Attachment? NO, I Don’t Want To!

This is what happens when you are attached to the outcome: Stuck, big time!

We have all been there–we get attached to the results. I would say, not only attached but Superglued! This has been the theme of many of my clients as of late.

The problem with attachment is that it is the root of much of our pain and frustration.

Here are some examples:

I was at the airport, on line to board the plane.  In front of me was a grumpy woman trying to juggle her small children and her carry-ons.  I offered to help her and she muttered a yes.  After helping I was surprised that there was no “Thank You”.  After all, I was being a good person, right?  I should go down in the nice person hall of fame!  I smiled at myself as I realized that my actions had attachments, rather than doing the right action because I chose to.

This happens with holding the door for someone, letting someone in front of you in the car–we wait for the thank you wave, the nod, or smile.  The need for acknowledgment takes the pleasure out of your action.

What about the serious situations–painful experiences to either yourself or a loved one?  A family member, co-worker, your boss, or job. We say: When things improve, then I will be happier.  We expect another human being to act with a bit of humanity. We think: Is that too much to ask? What a schnook I’ve been! Or, I could just spit! (Oops, that’s my mother talking, and no, she never did spit!)

I get it.  However we all know that not everyone chooses to change their behavior, and they might be clueless.  We behave decently, but they do not.  We replay these situations over and over again, trying to figure out what makes them tick.  Meanwhile they are happy campers 🙂 and we are not :(.

Please Ellen, what’s the solution???

Okay, I am happy to say, there is one.  Begin to become aware of when you are attached.  Take a breath, plant your feet on the floor, and simply notice. You might even say to yourself; Hmmm, I’m attached. You might find some of the smaller stuff humorous.

For the big stuff, ask yourself: Do I really want to go down this road again?  How is this serving me? I will step out on a limb here–it is not serving you, no matter how right you are.

Remember that attachment to results is robbing you of joy. The next time “You could just spit!”, then just spit, get it out of your system, and go about enjoying your day.

I must finish with a special thank you to my mother for her great sayings. Thanks Marjorie!

Warm Regards,

Posted in: A Calm Perspective

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Give Up My Heels? Have you lost your mind?

Years ago I hosted a yoga class for a group of attorneys attending a weekend conference. (For those of you who do not know, I am an advanced gentle & prenatal yoga instructor in addition to my stress and pain solution expertise).

We began chatting about back pain. I mentioned that high heels can contribute to back pain. They looked at me as if I had just asked them to cut off their arm! Their heels make them look professional and they needed them. REALLY? I get it–we want to look our part, but the question is: Could they be a rocking effective attorney with lower heels? Absolutely.

Some of you might be cringing at this most revolutionary thought: You are more than your shoes. For those who just held their breath at this epiphany, relax your belly and take a full gentle breath. It’s okay, you can keep your collection of heels, but know that you do have a choice.

High heels create low back compression–there is no way around this reality.

Here is the low down of other ways we compress our spine form the book Rehabilitation of the Spine: A Practitioner’s Manual. You might find this very eye opening–I did.

  • Sitting hunched over a desk: 200 lbs.
  • Sitting leaning back on chair with low back rounded: 150 lbs.
  • Standing with leaning forward posture: 200 lbs.
  • Standing in proper alignment: 100 lbs.
  • Lying flat on back: 55 lbs.
  • Lying flat on back with knees elevated: 25 lbs.

When I teach yoga, I have all students prop their knees in relaxation. It decreases spinal compression by over 50%. I also teach students how to hinge and lengthen their sacrum to lesson spinal compression. These simple alignments go along with the heart and soul of my work–Small changes, big results.

I remember when I was writing my book, my editor would often show up to our meetings in high heels, which exacerbated her existing back pain. I assured her that she will still be a fabulous editor wearing flats (okay, a low heel with a sole that bends) that will reduce compression on her spine. She began to notice the effect her shoes had on her body.

So, what is the point? To make a choice, you must first have knowledge and awareness of the reality. After that, you can make an informed decision. It takes the stressful guesswork out of decision making.

As I am finishing the article, my colleague just walked into my house to stay with me for a conference. The first words out of her mouth were: “I only brought flats because my knees are hurting me–heels make it worse.” I am not making this up. I thanked her for the perfect timing.

When I do wear heels to a party, you will see me with a patent pair of flip flops tucked away in my purse. I love to avoid pain if I can. How about you?

If you want more information on the gentle yoga and alignment component of my work, shoot me an email. Would love to chat with you!

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Wow, Staggering Statistics about Autoimmune Disease!

Take a look at the following quotes from an article about autoimmune disease:

The National Institutes of Health (NIH estimates up to 23.5* million Americans suffer from autoimmune disease and that the prevalence is rising.

According to the Department of Health and Human Services’ Office of Women’s Health, autoimmune disease and disorders ranked #1 in a top ten list of most popular health topics requested by callers to the National Women’s Health Information Center.

As a person among the millions with autoimmune disease (I feel so honored to have 2), I understand how evasive effectively dealing with my illnesses can be.  The idea of managing a chronic illness is overwhelming and can easily take your life over. Why?

  • There is no one answer
  • The amount of information out there is daunting
  • Treatment is often a guessing game
  • We wait (and wait and wait…) to get better to get on with life
  • We fight our reality–tooth and nail
  • We forget who we were before our diagnosis
  • We become like a dog with a bone: obsessed with finding the answer

This goes for family members as well as patients.

Okay, I have not painted a pretty picture, so let me move on to the solution.  YOU!

Yes, you hold the key. Autoimmune disease is impacted by your stress level, and stress not only robs you of your day but it exacerbates your symptoms.  Think about it:  When you react, get angry, stay tense, fearful, frustrated, what do you think you do to your organs?  Yes, you implode upon yourself–everything compresses and both you and your organs are not happy campers.  Also if you have pain and you react to it, you make it worse because you have tightened every muscle and blood vessel surrounding the painful area.

I see it time and time again.  Your outlook, emotions, symptoms and many conditions improve as a direct result of learning how to live life on life’s terms.

I want to scream from the rooftop:  Your illness does not have to take you over!  You do not have to wait to live life until things get better There is no magic cure for you!  And yes, you can improve and enjoy life; autoimmune disease and all!  However, it’s up to you.  

So there you have it.  I say this because I live and breathe it. This is my work, my passion, and I love helping people take charge of their life.  I am one lucky lady!

Posted in: A Calm Perspective

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Sequel: Another Mistake? Just Another Day in the Life of Everyone!

My last newsletter highlighted the mistake I had made on my business cards.  For those who did not read it, check out my blog.  Below is the final section of the article:

The reality of the situation was:

  • I made a mistake–it was not a reflection on who I am. It’s okay.
  • I can easily order new cards.
  • No one looks at the phone number on my banner anyway–I can order a new one when I am ready.
  • I learned to have someone else do my final edits, even on a business card.
  • I am still alive and well.  This is not a life altering experience.

The morals of the story:

  1. It is clearly my reaction, not the event that shapes my experiences.
  2. It is good I do not make my living as a proof reader!

Remember, we have our strong and weak attributes.  Ease up on yourself and enjoy the ride.

P.S.  If you are checking this for mistakes, let me know if you find one!



This sequel to the article is; Watch out for what you ask for in your P.S.!  Below are a few comments I received:


“This was great! It happens to each & every one of us. A dear client/friend of mine simply puts it like this: we are human!” 

“TY yep no one is perfect Feel free to have me check anything for you. I only saw one typo here hahaha” 

“Were you serious? I highlighted errors I found; wasn’t searching for any, but I was the go-to person in my store, for proofing any important memos. (see below) Replace with who and were, respectively.” 

“Even if there are mistakes in this letter, it was perfect!  I need to hear this message and will keep it in my in-box because I need to hear this again and again!  Thanks, Ellen!” 

“Great article!  Third paragraph, first sentence, 9th word.  I’m a better proofreader for others than myself!” 

“Wonderful! thanks so much!” 

“I love this! I especially love” I made a mistake; it was not a reflection on who I am”. It’s okay.”

“Congratulations on being human and wonderful!”

I shared the comments (exactly as they were written, some imperfectly) to illustrate my point.  Almost everyone appreciated my vulnerability because what I shared was so relatable.

One of my favorite authors who writes on this topic is Brene Brown.  This quote from her book, The Gifts of Imperfection is spot on:  “Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day.  It’s about the choice to show up and be real.  The choice to be honest.  The choice to let our true selves be seen.”

For years, I tried to show up with my act totally together.  If anyone were to see my insecurities and mess-ups, what would they think?  Hiding behind “having it all together” was stressful and exhausting.  The moment I became more real with everyone, I was free to show you the crazy, imperfect, flawed, teacher that I am. I must admit, it is a lot more fun and much less stressful. I like being part of the human race (most of the time).

Now you know: I am not a good speller or proofreader, among other imperfections.  I am totally okay with that.

What about you?

P.S. Just got my new corrected business cards–all is well…

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